Perfectionism

So I did it. I deleted my facebook page from my iphone, my ipad, the kindle fire, it's all gone. I feel fantastic about it.
I think I need a facebook cleanse. Ever feel the need to have a healthy disconnect? I even deleted pinterest. I know. . .I get anxiety just THINKING about the withdrawls without pinterest.
So my reason is this: For the new year I need a fresh start. I don't need to remind myself of everything I wish I had time for, talent for, beauty for, ambition for etc. The fact is when I turn off the tv and enjoy the NOW in my own home. . . I feel better and I find a lot more joy. The REAL joy that comes from what I want and not from what a magazine, a stranger, or my own insecurities demand I should want.
I'm not disconnecting forever. . .I just need a refocus to get MYSELF back in balance.
Which leads me to my New Years Resolution . . .drum roll please! . . . .ok wait I'm not ready for the drum roll. First I have to tell you about this book I'm reading.
HELLO WONDERFUL!!! Have you heard of Brene Brown? Ok, if you haven't, EVERYONE needs a little Brene Brown in their life. She is a shame specialist. I know what you're thinking "oh awesome. . .just what I need, another SELF HELP BOOK". No no my friend, this is not what you think. We all deal with shame and most of us don't even have a label for it.
If you're like me, you live your entire life walking around wondering why at the first sign of someone actually looking in your eyes and listening to the words coming out of your mouth, you suddenly become paralyzed, start muttering and mumbling, and completely go blank in the head. And I'm not talking just in big crowds. I'm talking when there are like. . . .2 whole people in the room.
Or if you're out with friends and someone mentions something about you looking tired and suddenly you find an excuse to leave and on the way home you go pound 5 eclaires from Kneaders and wash it down with a 1200 calorie smoothie.
So one thing I realized this past year: I'm a perfectionist. No. Not the good kind. There is not good kind.
HAHAHA. . .laugh it up I know you are busting a gut over this one because if you've been to my house and have seen the five thousand toys strewn over the floor, the pile of laundry that is 5 feet tall, and 3 days dishes in the sink, you might be rolling your eyes right now.
Here are a few quotes from Brene Brown that explains a little more in detail what I'm getting at:
"Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it's the thing that's really preventing us from taking flight."
"Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at it's core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance. Perfectionism is other-focused---What will they think?"
"Life-Paralysis referes to all of the opportunities we miss because we're too afraid to put anything out in the world that could be imperfect. It's also all of the dreams that we don't follow because of our deep fear of failing, making mistakes, and disappointing others. It's terrifying to risk when you're a perfectionist; your self-worth is on the line.
"Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought; If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgement, and blame."
So I'm a perfectionist out of the closet. And to also quote Brene Brown, I'm now on my quest to be come a 'good-enoughist'.
It's the reason I won't let friends come over un announced (unless you're Laura because I know she's seen me at my worst and assures me she loves me anyway). It's the reason I won't speak in church, even pray in church. It's the reason I can't go out with friends as much as I want to. Because I'm worried I'll say something 'not cool' or maybe I'll be boring. Or maybe someone won't like my personality. Or maybe I'll say something politically incorrect (that I OBVIOUSLY got from my husband lol) or maybe I'll wear cute heals that I think are cute until I have to WALK in them and then I stumble all over myself. Or maybe. . . .gasp. . . .I'll be driving, talking and completely miss my exit to the movie theatre like I've done 5000 times because I can't multi task. It might sound stupid, but it's enough to keep me home sometimes.
Ok so heres my point. We have been so severely BLASTED with perfectionism in the media, socially, by peers, magazines, tv etc we don't even know what we really WANT anymore. We just know the 'supposed to's'. How sad. I can't have my daughter grow up like that. I want my boys to be independent and confident and have a desire to take over the world. (luckily they will inherit that from their Dad) But I found in my own life I won't do anything if there is risk involved.
So guess what I did this year? I surrendered all of it. Living in fear is EXHAUSTING in case any of you have tried it out there! So I decided to live life to it's fullest and not let things hold me back anymore.
Scotty and I made vision boards 2 years ago and he has achieved and gained 99% of the things on his board. I've gained almost the same. Seriously. Biggest skeptic EVER here and now I'm a little embarassed I didn't do it sooner.
So I'm making a new vision board this year. It'll include a big garden, a Newfoundland dog, my new beautiful home, and a church history tour.
As for my BIGGEST accomplishment this coming year . . . .now we can drum roll. . . .I'm detoxing my body from all the disgusting junk food I've shoveled down my throat for 31 years and am getting myself UN-addicted to sweets. Yes. This will make Angie history. I am going healthy. I am cutting out the sugar and carbs (YES CARBS IN ALL THEIR FORMS) and I am going to conquer this ONE battle that I have been beaten by year after year.
So here's the book you need to read. "Why we get fat" by Taubes. No I don't think I'm fat. I think I'm addicted. I KNOW I'm addicted. To sweets and carbs. And anything else with a cream filling or icing on top.
So here I go. Wish me luck! And google some Brene Brown youtube clips. Seriously. You'll love her. Cheers to vulnerability.