Besides my new dress being totally electrified from static and creeping up my legs every time I'd walk down the hall, church was lovely and I heard the messages I needed to hear. I always do, especially on the days I really just want to stay in bed.
I got a little bit discouraged because it was mentioned in Sunday school (something I already knew but sometimes is hard to hear) that if you're not feeling the spirit in your life you need to re evaluate because feeling the spirit is a good indicator if you're on the right path. Dang. I kinda wanted to walk out right then because the guilt was just squeezing my neck. I've read my scriptures. mostly. And I'm good at family prayer, kinda. And I love to read talks, when I have time which is basically NEVER the past several weeks. I kinda got that feeling in my throat that I wanted to cry, but I also knew I had 10 minutes left in church and if I did I would have to round up all the kids from all their classrooms and go home, because I couldn't just sit in church and CRY by myself. I didn't want anyone asking me if I was OK.
Last week my oldest son told my husband and I that we are just too busy. He said "Mom sometimes you just need to put your work down and just be with us". My 10 year old said that. You know if your 10 year old has to sit you down to have this conversation, you've suddenly reversed roles.
So when I was sitting down in church, I knew instantly I haven't been the mother I should be. I've let everything stress me out. I've let everything give me anxiety and I've been running, NON STOP. And my role as mother and caregiver and nurturer have felt like they were getting in my way of the 'stuff' that I needed to get done. No wonder I'm not feeling the spirit. My heart is living on fear, not faith. And my actions have told my family that they need to step aside while I 'get things done'.
Here's the good news: I recognize it now. And I started feeling better about things. So I told my hubbs about my new plan to get refocused and recommit and find balance, and I kissed him goodbye, grabbed the kids and headed out the door to FHE at my parents house with my siblings.
I got out of my neighborhood. And my car pooped out. Right there next to Pres. H's house. It had gas. It wouldn't start. My car hadn't even warmed up yet. So there I am sitting with my little girl, my baby, and my oldest son freezing in 0 degree weather with a dead car, and a sick husband at home with my sick boy. (My other son wanted to stay home with my sick Wes-man because he was concerned he'd be lonely) This was going to be a fun conversation asking the hubby to get out of bed and come rescue me.
Of course he did graciously and Pres. H came running out to meet us and towed my car into his shop and worked and tinkered and found out the fuel pump was probably out. On top of my gas being frozen anyway. So I moved car seats, and headed off, AGAIN to FHE. I think I inhaled dinner and sank a little lower in the couches because I was so comfortable and so happy to be there. I love being with my siblings. (and I admit, I needed a sister fix to boost me )
I got home, watched some tv and fell into a blissful sleep. Until my baby got up with a raging fever around 3 am. and 4 am. and 5 am. and 6:30 a.m. poor guy. It's round 2 of sickness for this kiddo this month.
Ok. NOTHING is going to discourage me now. I'm keeping happy face, I'm keeping faith, and I'm going to make my kids a Crepe feast for breakfast while the repair guy seals the crack in my basement. Nice guy. Speako only littleo englisho. I saw him head out to fill his bucket in the faucet in the backyard. I ran out there and said "NOOOOOOO!!! You can't use this faucet! It has a crack in it and will leak into the basement. NO FAUCET. You can use the one inside. You can use the one in the front. But NO FAUCET back here. "ess ok, this one fine". Again "NOOOO you canNOT use this faucet! NO!" So he walked around front to fill his bucket. I ran upstairs and grabbed the baby. As I walk back into the kitchen, WHO do you suppose is attempting to fill his bucket in the backyard? He opens the door and says 'no water!'.
AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Of COURSE there's not water coming out of it! It's all coming in my BASEMENT! TURN IT OFF POR FAVOR!
Yep. I walk down stairs and theres a beautiful little waterfall going down the side of my foundation onto the floor. Luckily nothing was in it's way. Oh boy. I look at the other guy in the basement and no joke this is what he says:
he poinst to the stairs behind me and says "He do's it".
I turned around in silence and went upstairs to pull the burning crepe off the stove.
And then I laughed. and laughed. and laughed. and then I cried too.
If resistance comes in 3's, then I am done and ready to move on now!
Funny though. That very second Elder Hollands voice came into my head with his talk that says "Boy, don't you give up. Don't you dare quit" It might sound really cheesy to you. But I got a lot of comfort in that moment. And suddenly I felt good. And I felt the spirit. And I felt so much relief. Because if all this is goin down, that must mean I'm doing something right. And that great things are waiting ahead. And I have a feeling today is going to be a great day after all.
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